Okay, Paul. Let's do this.

I just heard "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover", by Paul Simon.

I don't know where to begin to describe how full of crap this song is. I guess I'll just start with the obvious. The chorus states:

You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

50 Ways? I'd like to consider myself atleast slightly above average in everyday math, but by my first count, that was only five, Paul. Actually, the number is up for discussion. For example:

1. Slip out the back, Jack. Okay, that's one way.
2. Make a new plan, Stan. Is that really a way to leave your lover? Make a new plan? I don't think it is. That's just kind of stating the obvious. If you want to leave your lover, you are already making a new plan. Let's try #2 again:
2. You don't need to be coy, Roy. Nope, that's not a way to leave your lover, either.
2. Just get yourself free. It's a stretch, but since the initial guidelines are a little loose to begin with, I'll run with it. Okay, "Get yourself free" will be allowed.
3. Hop on the bus, Gus. Okay, you could do that.
4. Just drop off the key, Lee. That is acceptable, as well.

Okay, we have four ways to leave your lover. It should be noted that what we counted as (the already deemed questionable) "Way number 2" is repeated at the end of the chorus.

On to my next problem: All of these "ways to leave your lover" are really just ways to leave...anything. I needed to get home from school, so I hopped on the bus. I moved out of my apartment, so I dropped off the key. This song claims that there are all these ways to leave your lover, but I contend that they're just ways to get yourself from one place to another. He might as well have said that ways to leave your lover include: car, bicycle, on foot, horseback, roller skates, etc.

I guess that wouldn't have been as catchy.

Finally, (and admittedly, facetiously), it seems that these ways aren't just for anyone. Slipping out the back is apparently only applicable to guys named Jack. If I want to hop on the bus, I'm out of luck, because my name is Daniel. I just find it hard to believe that Paul Simon, great, heralded American songwriter Paul Simon, would write such silliness simply for the purpose of making his chorus rhyme.

So, we're left with four suggestions of ways to leave your lover, not the advertised fifty. Additionally, only one of the four is applicable to everyone, whereas the other three are name-specific. The only one that applies to all of us is "Just get yourself free".

That's what you've got for me, Paul? You come at me claiming you have fifty ways to leave my lover, and I'm left with one vague suggestion?

I think I'll stick with "Call Me Al", where I can't understand the lyrics enough to disect them.