Hey You Guys!

Dear Five Guys,
You are not good for me. You are also expensive. I think we should break up. I tried to tell you that yesterday. Actually, I was just going to drive by and not say anything, hoping you'd take the hint, but as I approached you, I remembered that you have tasty peanuts inside that I can eat while I wait for my order. Just when I think I'm strong enough to quit you, it's the peanuts that draw me back. Damn you, Five Guys.
Since I couldn't muster the courage to tell you in person yesterday that I'm leaving you, I'll take the coward's way out and tell you in a blog post. I'd love to say we can still be friends, but you and I both know that's not going to happen. I'll see you, and I'll lose my self control, and the next thing I know I'll wake up, not knowing what happened, with a ridiculous abundance of french fries and aluminum foil scattered around me. That's not the life I want for us, Five Guys.
Maybe I'll see you down the line one day, and it may be nice. For my sake, though, I hope it's not soon. I'm going to need some time to fully get over you and gain some closure. Until then, I wish you the best. I hope you don't harbor any hard feeling for me. I sure don't toward you. It just isn't working out between us.

Double Standard!

You know those Papa John's commercials where "Papa John" himself delivers pizza? He'll show up at the customer's house, bring in the pizza, hang out for a little while. There's even one commercial where he throws a football out in the street with some guys.

If a real Papa John's delivery guy did that crap, he'd be fired.

"They found me...I don't know how, but they found me" - Dr. Emmett Brown

My bosses have been on vacation for the past two weeks. Included in my "make-sure-the-shop-doesn't-burn-down" responsibilities is the task of checking and keeping up with their emails. For some reason, Diane always receives a TON of those "I'm a nigerian prince, and I need to move $20,000,000 into the US, and if you help me, you get $19,000,000 of it" emails. In addition, she receives a number of "You've won $80,000" emails...so much so that if she actually received all the money she was promised, she'd be a multi-billionaire. As I was sifting through her inbox today deleting all of these emails, I ran across the following email. Usually, I just open them for a second to see what amount of money she has been promised this time before I delete it. Boy was I surprised at this one:


-----Original Message-----
From: MR. ALI ALI [mailto:aliman2100@yahoo.co.jp]
Sent: Friday, June 19, 2009 8:52 AM
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: IT'S URGENT
ATTN.
LISTEN VERY CAREFUL, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN CONTACT YOU, MY TEAM HAS BEEN PAID TO ASSASINATE YOU, I HAVE EVERY REASON TO CARRY OUT THE CONTRACT, BUT I DECIDED TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE AND SAVE YOUR FAMILY THIS
PAIN, THIS YOUR ALTERNATIVE,I WISH TO HELP YOU UNLESS YOU DONT WANT TO HELP YOUR SELF, I WILL SEND YOU ENOUGH EVIDENCE YOU NEED ON A VIDEO TAPE RECORD TO NAIL MY EMPLOYER DOWN WITH THE LAW.

BEFORE THAT YOU'RE REQUIRED TO MAKE AVAILABLE THE SUM OF $70,000. USD, AFTER WHICH I WILL DIRECT YOU ON WHAT TO DO NEXT TO SAVE YOUR SELF AND YOUR FAMILY FROM THIS PAIN THAT WOULD HAVE BEFALLED YOU FROM MY EMPLOYER,THE MONEY WILL BE USED TO SETTLE THE TEAM MEN INVOLVED TO GO BACK TO THERE DESTINATIONS AND YOU BETTER KEEP THIS INFORMATION TO YOUR SELF BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHO IS WHO WHERE YOU ARE NOW,IF HE FINDS OUT I HAVE BETRAYED HIM TRYING TO HELP YOU,YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SELF TO BLAME, I HAVE ORDERED MY MEN TO SATY AWAY FROM YOU.

DO WE HAVE A DEAL OR NOT?

NOTE: YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS HERE, (1) YOU HAVE TO GET HIM ARRESTED WITH THE INFORMATION I WILL GIVE YOU AFTER THE PAYMENT OR (2) YOU HAVE HIM KILLED TO SAVE YOUR SELF.

I WILL VISIT YOUR HOUSE AGAIN BUT NOT NOW, MY BOYS EYES ARE ON YOU SO
GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE



First of all, maybe the reason the guy is a professional assassin is because he couldn't get a decent legitimate job because of his horrible grammar. Geez, man, use a period!

Next, if the guy's team has already been paid to kill my boss, then why will the $70,000 be used to get them back to their destinations? Also, I don't think you can actually go "back" to a destination, as destination really applies to the future. I mean, technically, if it's somewhere you've already been, and you're going there again, I suppose you'd be going back to your destination, but then...well, you know what I mean. Just a poor choice of words from our assassin.

Two options? Really? Just two? The options listed in the email are have the guy arrested or have the guy killed. How about a disguise? A moustache could go a long way. How about disappearing? If I have $70,000 to give a would-be killer, then it's likely that I have enough money to run off to remote location where I couldn't be found.

I tell you what...I have the craziest work place. From the homeless ladies sleeping behind the dumpster to the snakes that visit us on a regular basis to the billions of dollars we've won through email to the assassination plots. I can't say that I have a boring job.

So long, Tommy.

So...

The Braves released Tom Glavine yesterday. Didn't trade him...just flat released him. The 43-year-old has been playing for Atlanta since 1987 (with the exception of a 5 year stint with the Bravos most hated rival, but I digress). Obviously, everyone who is/was close to Glavine within the organization and throughout baseball is saying they're shocked, bewildered, and saddened. The fan reaction, however, has been a little more spread out through the emotional spectrum.

Some fans are sad to see him go. Some fans are willing to accept it, because this is a new Braves team, and we're looking toward the future with new pitchers Kris Medlen and Tommy Hanson. Still, some fans are still really mad about Glavine's spokesmanship for the Players' Union in the 1994 strike, his leaving for New York in 2003, and his holding out for a bigger contract before the 2009 season, and they think this is what he deserves.

I, like my tagline states at the top of this blog, am somewhere in the middle.

FROM A BASEBALL STANDPOINT

I'm somewhat of a baseball traditionalist, so I'm always sad to see an era end. I will be realistic about all this, however. Eras begin and they end. If Glavine stays, we don't have the opportunity to bring up Tommy Hanson. This is the first time in a while that the Braves have had a surplus of good starting pitching. Sorry, there just isn't enough room for everybody. Our current starters are Lowe, Jurrjens, Kawakami, Vasquez, Medlen, Reyes, Hanson, and Glavine (not to mention Tim Hudson, who's due back from injury any month now). That's eight (or nine) pitchers. A big-league starting rotation is 5 pitchers. It's just a simple matter of space.

You've got to stay with your best five, which in my opinion are: Lowe, Jurrjens, Kawakami, Vasquez, and Hanson (moving Medlen to the bullpen). Jo-Jo Reyes and Tom Glavine just don't make the cut. Yeah, it's sad, but hey, we want to win.

FROM A PERSONAL STANDPOINT

Since he left in 2003, I haven't really been what you'd call a Tom Glavine fan. His leaving was a bummer, but...
1. He went to the Braves' biggest rival (even though he never did that well against the Braves)
2. I have since learned (from "Built To Win", by John Schuerholz) that it was after an hours-long, bitter shouting match of a meeting that he decided to go.

When he came back for the 2008 season, a lot of people were thrilled, but I wasn't really sold. He was getting old, and I didn't really know if he had anything left. Sure enough, when he got injured, he was a mere 2-4 in thirteen starts.

There's the loyalty thing, I guess, but he's already shown that he's not really loyal to Braves fans, so why should we be loyal back?


To sum up, I'm not really happy to see him go, but at the same time, I'm not sad to see him go, either. I am shocked, though, that the Braves dropped him, just like that. I guess it shows that management is willing to make the tough calls in order to trim the fat and put a winning product out on the field. They also traded yesterday for an outfielder from Pittsburgh who is supposed to help us out offensively.

I'm not worried about Glavine...he supposedly still wants to pitch, and I'm sure he will. There are teams out there that are hurting for starting pitching. He'll get another shot.

The whole situation is surprising to say the least, but I really think it's a breath of fresh air. These are some of the changes necessary for the Braves to have a chance at the post-season this year.

*Correction*

Last week, I posted a blog about The Learning Channel's "Jon and Kate Plus 8". I'd like to make two corrections to that entry:



1. Their last name is Gosselin, not Goselyn.

2. What I meant to say was "Psh! I don't watch that lame show!"

My apologies.