My bosses have been on vacation for the past two weeks. Included in my "make-sure-the-shop-doesn't-burn-down" responsibilities is the task of checking and keeping up with their emails. For some reason, Diane always receives a TON of those "I'm a nigerian prince, and I need to move $20,000,000 into the US, and if you help me, you get $19,000,000 of it" emails. In addition, she receives a number of "You've won $80,000" emails...so much so that if she actually received all the money she was promised, she'd be a multi-billionaire. As I was sifting through her inbox today deleting all of these emails, I ran across the following email. Usually, I just open them for a second to see what amount of money she has been promised this time before I delete it. Boy was I surprised at this one:
-----Original Message-----
From: MR. ALI ALI [mailto:aliman2100@yahoo.co.jp]
Sent: Friday, June 19, 2009 8:52 AM
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: IT'S URGENT
ATTN.
LISTEN VERY CAREFUL, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN CONTACT YOU, MY TEAM HAS BEEN PAID TO ASSASINATE YOU, I HAVE EVERY REASON TO CARRY OUT THE CONTRACT, BUT I DECIDED TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE AND SAVE YOUR FAMILY THIS
PAIN, THIS YOUR ALTERNATIVE,I WISH TO HELP YOU UNLESS YOU DONT WANT TO HELP YOUR SELF, I WILL SEND YOU ENOUGH EVIDENCE YOU NEED ON A VIDEO TAPE RECORD TO NAIL MY EMPLOYER DOWN WITH THE LAW.
BEFORE THAT YOU'RE REQUIRED TO MAKE AVAILABLE THE SUM OF $70,000. USD, AFTER WHICH I WILL DIRECT YOU ON WHAT TO DO NEXT TO SAVE YOUR SELF AND YOUR FAMILY FROM THIS PAIN THAT WOULD HAVE BEFALLED YOU FROM MY EMPLOYER,THE MONEY WILL BE USED TO SETTLE THE TEAM MEN INVOLVED TO GO BACK TO THERE DESTINATIONS AND YOU BETTER KEEP THIS INFORMATION TO YOUR SELF BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHO IS WHO WHERE YOU ARE NOW,IF HE FINDS OUT I HAVE BETRAYED HIM TRYING TO HELP YOU,YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SELF TO BLAME, I HAVE ORDERED MY MEN TO SATY AWAY FROM YOU.
DO WE HAVE A DEAL OR NOT?
NOTE: YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS HERE, (1) YOU HAVE TO GET HIM ARRESTED WITH THE INFORMATION I WILL GIVE YOU AFTER THE PAYMENT OR (2) YOU HAVE HIM KILLED TO SAVE YOUR SELF.
I WILL VISIT YOUR HOUSE AGAIN BUT NOT NOW, MY BOYS EYES ARE ON YOU SO
GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
First of all, maybe the reason the guy is a professional assassin is because he couldn't get a decent legitimate job because of his horrible grammar. Geez, man, use a period!
Next, if the guy's team has already been paid to kill my boss, then why will the $70,000 be used to get them back to their destinations? Also, I don't think you can actually go "back" to a destination, as destination really applies to the future. I mean, technically, if it's somewhere you've already been, and you're going there again, I suppose you'd be going back to your destination, but then...well, you know what I mean. Just a poor choice of words from our assassin.
Two options? Really? Just two? The options listed in the email are have the guy arrested or have the guy killed. How about a disguise? A moustache could go a long way. How about disappearing? If I have $70,000 to give a would-be killer, then it's likely that I have enough money to run off to remote location where I couldn't be found.
I tell you what...I have the craziest work place. From the homeless ladies sleeping behind the dumpster to the snakes that visit us on a regular basis to the billions of dollars we've won through email to the assassination plots. I can't say that I have a boring job.
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