Hey You Guys!

Dear Five Guys,
You are not good for me. You are also expensive. I think we should break up. I tried to tell you that yesterday. Actually, I was just going to drive by and not say anything, hoping you'd take the hint, but as I approached you, I remembered that you have tasty peanuts inside that I can eat while I wait for my order. Just when I think I'm strong enough to quit you, it's the peanuts that draw me back. Damn you, Five Guys.
Since I couldn't muster the courage to tell you in person yesterday that I'm leaving you, I'll take the coward's way out and tell you in a blog post. I'd love to say we can still be friends, but you and I both know that's not going to happen. I'll see you, and I'll lose my self control, and the next thing I know I'll wake up, not knowing what happened, with a ridiculous abundance of french fries and aluminum foil scattered around me. That's not the life I want for us, Five Guys.
Maybe I'll see you down the line one day, and it may be nice. For my sake, though, I hope it's not soon. I'm going to need some time to fully get over you and gain some closure. Until then, I wish you the best. I hope you don't harbor any hard feeling for me. I sure don't toward you. It just isn't working out between us.