Four

Something you have to forgive someone for


I had this friend. This is the only person I have ever actively ended a friendship with. He said a number of things, a lot of which I cannot and will not forgive him for. There was one thing, though, that despite how he came across, I know he had good intentions.


The year Kimberly and I were trying to get pregnant was very trying on our nerves. There were a lot of highs and lows, but it seemed that the lows were much more prominent. Trying not to get too technical, there were two procedures...IUI and In Vitro. We went through three unsuccessful IUI's over the course of 3 or 4 months before finally succeeding with the In Vitro procedure.

The night before we found out the negative results of our third and final IUI, we had friends over for a get-together at our house. This guy was among those friends. The guys has always been known for being very opinionated somewhat obnoxious. Half the people I knew liked him and the other half, not so much. I always liked him...he had a lot of interesting opinions, and I was always down for a good debate, be it political, musical, etc.

This guy had split up with his wife about three months prior. Half the time he was good times and fun to hang around (granted, this was usually over the course of a 12-pack of Budweiser), and the other half he became very serious and lectured about "true friends being there for each other" and how much more he would have helped a friend going through a hard time if roles were reversed. At that time, Kimberly and I differed on our opinions about the guy. I could see her side, but that didn't so much affect my own opinion of him. I still liked the guy.

Anyway, at the end of that night, everyone else had left except for the guy. He, Kimberly, and I all sat out on the deck. We hadn't told him much about our infertility situation...he had his own things he was going through with his wife and what not. This night, however, our situation came up. We talked about what we were going through, how it hadn't worked up until this point. We talked about our frustrations and disappointments. His response was "Well, you guys need to know that if it doesn't work out..." we stopped him right there. "There is no 'if'", we said. It will work out. He said, "oh, I know...but I'm just saying if it doesn...". Again we said "Stop! Don't say that. There is no 'if'. We are being positive. It WILL work."

The night didn't end well. Kimberly had just about enough of the "if-nots". She got in his face and gave him what's for. Twice, actually. He just would not get it through his head that "no" was not an option.

I knew what he was trying to say. He was trying to tell us that regardless of what happened, we had each other, and we should cherish it. Knowing what he had gone through (and was still going through), his thought made sense. At the time, though, we were in a completely different place than he was. We didn't understand what he was going through, but he also didn't understand what we were going through.

For that, I should forgive him (if he wants forgiveness...which I doubt). There were a number of other things he said about me, my wife, my brother, his wife, and other friends in the months to follow. Those things were just mean, and if he has no remorse for them, then I sure as hell don't have any remorse for my ending the friendship.

But, for that one night. It wasn't about something he deliberately did to us. That night, it was about his trying to get a point across without fully grasping our mindset and that we didn't want to hear his point.